These stories were all written within a year or so of each other. They are not linear; they’re scattered across the board. It’s a journey through death, the in-between, and rebirth: or, alternatively, bitterness, the middle, and acceptance. Feelings are a funny thing. For me, the only way I’ll ever get them out is through words. A lot of those feelings reside in the in-between though, when you’re floating and debating if you’re ever going to make it. Something fascinating about the state of the in-between is how you get there, and how you keep going.
Today, I want to share a few poems from each aspect of my first poetry project, The In-Between, also what the theme of this blog is inspired by. Of course, the blog focuses primarily on the middle. The actual project itself has three core sections: the death, the in-between, and the rebirth. The stories of The In-Between are a journey through my freshman year of college, the hardships I dealt with, and the growth of who I was as a person. Writing is a very cathartic thing, and when I couldn’t vocalize my feelings, I knew I could always write them down, whether in only a sentence or full blown paragraphs.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy.
The Death:
I hope you thought of me
After you left:
Fondly,
Terribly.
Was my name
The taste in your mouth you couldn’t brush away?
Was my face
The haunting image in your brain?
Did you think I would forget?
You always loved me more when you were in pain.
We never really quite got it right during those
Sticky summer nights.
Often I wonder if we could have really been something
Or if this was supposed to happen,
And we were supposed to collapse under the pressure.
We just stopped talking and
It was terrible because
I don’t know where you went.
How could we cease conversation so suddenly?
Did I bore you so much you had to let me go without a goodbye?
What did I do wrong?
Or was it you? It’s not me, it’s you.
That’s what they all say now, right?
If it were between me and someone you barely knew,
Would you save me from drowning in the ocean?
The stars are all scattered.
I can’t find you in the constellations anymore.
The In-Between
I thought I would be able to touch the stars once I flew closer to them,
And I thought the same would occur once I grew closer to you.
But no amount of distance between the ground and the sky
Can change the distance between you and I.
I noticed your absence
In places I wouldn’t expect
Like in the emptiness of my car on a warming spring day,
Or in the lonely spaces besides me in the grocery store.
The flowers are growing,
But you are not here to see them.
I give you the good parts of myself:
The smiles, the laughter, the thoughtfulness;
Tender thoughts in the night,
Warm fingers pressed against the backs of hands.
In return, I receive the bad parts of you:
The crying, the complaining, the coldness;
Last resort text messages,
Cold fingers wrapped around the circumference of a neck.
I don’t stop trying.
I want the light to win.
There is something soft and strange
About the passage of time
From night into day.
Losing the darkness that’s consumed you,
Claiming the new day as your own.
What is more terrifying
Than having a light shined on
All of your weaknesses?
I am too selfish for my own good,
I don’t allow people to leave when they are ready,
And everything I’ve ever touched belongs to me.
Mine, mine, mine -
Like King Midas, I will eventually ruin
Everything and everyone I’ve ever loved.
It is just you and me
Under the same sky every single night.
The stars shine a path for us,
And then there is the moon,
The beautiful, bright moon.
One day, if you ever have to leave me,
At least we’ll have the moon.
A thought:
Being lonely beats
Having your heart broken
Consecutively,
Time and time again,
By the people who are supposed to care about you.
The Rebirth
In another universe, we are together.
You are sitting right next to me.
I think we are in love,
I think we are happy.
But we are in this universe now,
And you are nowhere to be found.
I thought we were in love then,
And I want to be happy now.
Growing apart
Is sometimes better than
Breaking apart
Because when you grow apart
It is a mutual feeling
Of strings in the universe
Unwinding until you drift away;
But when you break apart
It’s glass
Shattering into a million pieces on the floor
And you can never put them back together just right.
The truth:
You do not need anyone to validate
Who you are as a person.
Not the friend who treats you poorly;
Nor the foe who is closer than comfort.
Not the friendless girl you feel sad for;
Nor the boy who sits next to you in the class.
No one.
You only need the love that blossoms within yourself.
I’m desperate to understand why people are
So eager to leave this place.
You can’t tell me at least
One magical thing didn’t happen to you
During your stay here.
Where will you go next?
What will be better?
Will you think of me when you are gone?
The interesting part about it all:
You still feel worthless
Even when you feel worth it to someone else.
You’re sitting on the edge of your seat with each passing day
Wondering when it will end.